Bex in the City

I’m almost 120 hours into my time in the city, and I haven’t tried to cut my own arm off yet, so I’m calling it a win.  However, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that the first two days were more like this….

I see you; I know you are sitting there laughing, and imagining me in my winter pajamas (but seriously, why did I bring those??) lip syncing along to this… and you’d be accurate.  It was likely a pathetic sight.  But I believe in true transparency, and while humorous, there were a few tragic moments over the last few days.  Night one may or may not have included half-coherent phone calls to a couple of family members.  And I was so stressed out that I forgot to eat for most of the day, and had M&Ms for dinner.  At 2am, when I couldn’t sleep, and finally had some hunger pangs.  I’m sure there will be more nights like this, but hopefully they become few and far between as I figure out my life. And it’s all a part of the “journey”, right Bachelor nation?

I can’t explain what it was/is like to be surrounded by so much, and yet by so little. I miss my friends/family like crazy; it’s weird (and frankly, REALLY hard) to not have friends.  I’m a pretty independent girl, but nothing can prepare you for what it feels like to lose your support system, even if it is just physically.
A few of my good friends reached out, and I can’t even say how great it was to hear from them.  All the change has been incredibly overwhelming and I was an emotional wreck, feeling very alone without any of my usual comforts.  To those who reached out…. you are my rocks! I can not tell you how blessed I feel, every time I get a text message or an email, or a phone call. Or a FB note, IG comment… I cherish, truly, every single one.   To my cute family who listened to me sob about my walls that were too tall and too white… you are too good to me.  My cute sister even suggested that I put on Friends, and “get to watch it while you are finally living IN New York!”  It kind of worked. 😉
I miss my life, and all the little things that you take for granted, like jumping in your car to run to your favorite restaurant, instead of having to decide if braving the rainstorm is worth the 5 flights of stairs and 3 block trek.   I’m literally feeling ALL the feelings.  Scared, excited, tired, sad, invigorated, curious, exhausted, overwhelmed, and hopeful.

Among all of the frustrations, there have also been moments of clarity, happiness, content and embarrassment.  I feel like I’m constantly vacillating between the two inner sides of myself; the one that wants to talk to and ask strangers for help…and the other that doesn’t want to look like a rookie and newbie New Yorker.

I went grocery shopping on day two, and was immediately confused by this very long-handled basket at Whole Foods.  I couldn’t figure it out, so I just put it down, and carried the basket awkwardly around the store with both hands. After about 15 minutes of gasping at prices, and deciding whether I really “need” food…. I had filled most of my basket to the point that I couldn’t carry it awkwardly any longer.  As I am walking to the checkout, I notice another woman who has the same basket as I do.  Pulling it. By it’s very long handle.  On the ground, with the WHEELS THAT ARE ON THE BOTTOM OF THE CART.  You guys.  I could have died.  But I rolled my eyes at myself, and sold my first born child to buy groceries.  Ps, the checkout girl made me unload my own basket. What?! Definitely not in Kansas anymore.

I also now know why fashion week is in the fall.  It’s because living in the heat and humidity and rain of a New York summer will make you either sweat-through, rain-soak, or both of the above to all of your clothes.  THIS is why you shop so much in New York!  Because you destroy your clothes just by living in them!  I’ve spent the last couple of days trying to decide what to wear, not because I want to necessarily look good (because, duh, I always do) but because I can’t decide which of my clothes I am ok with ruining.  Its a battlefield, people.  There will be losses.

But being able to take a run along the Hudson River in the morning, spend a couple hours reading on the roof of the Met in the afternoon, and buy a slice of pizza at 11pm on my way home all in one day is pretty fantastic.  It’s a crazy place, this city that never sleeps…. but little by little, it’s becoming my new normal. As if I could ever be normal. 😉

You know you love me….. XOXO