Bex in the City

So I went on a first date the other night.  But it was unlike any other, because it was with a girl.

Slow your roll people, New York hasn’t changed me THAT much.  Some of you may know about a little dating app called Bumble.  For those of you who don’t, I’ll explain.  You log on to said dating app, and you set up a profile which includes pictures, your location, weirdly where you went to school (I still can’t figure out how to change that) and a short bio message of your choosing.  Then, you can set the parameters to include men (at least in my case) who are between two ages and then a certain distance away.  The app then pulls up men in within those parameters and you can swipe left (Uh, NO) or right, (Oh hells yes).  Once you match with someone (meaning, they also said hells yes to you), then you have the opportunity to chat it up via the app interwebs.  However, the catch in this case is that Bumble is set up so that the girl has to make the first verbal move.

Now, I’ve done Bumble for awhile, and in all honesty, for me it’s like Sodoku, but with men.  I don’t really know that I’ll ever actually finish the puzzle (go out), but it sure is nice to have something to pass the time!  (Ladies, be honest.  You know you swipe ambivalently too!) Every so often you’ll actually connect with someone, say something just witty enough to catch their eye, go on a date, fall for each other, get married, and live happily ever after.  At least, that’s what they tell me.

When I moved to New York, I left everything and everyone behind.  Of course, I have my friends back home and I know that they will always be my friends, but it’s a new experience to not have people around you physically and in person to hang out with.  So, among other avenues, I decided that I would try the new sister app of Bumble, Bumble BFF.  It is essentially the same concept as Bumble, but matching you with others who are looking for friends. Genius, right?   Well, an interesting concept at least, anyway.

So a couple weeks ago, I began girl-swiping.  It was weird.  I found myself doing the same thing that I do with the men. “Oh, she’s cute!” Swipe right.  “Um, what’s happening with your hair?”  Swipe left.  After I while, I realized that just like I don’t want to be judged on appearance alone – none of these other girls probably want to either! And furthermore, a friend especially should have nothing to do with looks.  So, I started to read more bios.  “Oh, she likes to Netflix binge too?!” Swipe right.

I found myself swiping right pretty often.  I mean, what do I have to lose?  Most of these women look like normal fun girls, just like me, who also want to expand their friend roots, like me.  However, I quickly became discouraged because for every 30 or so potential friends that I swiped right on, I only got 1 or 2 matches.  (Which, for comparison, is grossly low compared to my man-matching ration, which is more like 1 in 5. I’m kind of a big deal.)  What was I doing wrong??!  Am I not pretty enough?  Did I not wear enough pink on Wednesdays?

After a few days of disappointment and “You Have No Mail” moments, I finally matched with a girl who we’ll call Stacy.  She has a great job, has normal pictures, seems to like a lot of the same things as I do…. So it’s a win!  But I was now faced with the next hurdle. How do you introduce yourself to someone over a pseudo dating/friend-finding app?  What is the next step?  With a man, it would be to chit chat, and then meet for an after work beverage or tapas.  So…. It’s the same for a girl too, right?  I mean, girls are hungry after work too, right?

Suddenly, every insecurity that I had overcome or bottled away when it came to dating over the years flooded back in, but even more so.  I mean, this was a potential FRIEND.  What if I say the wrong thing?  What if I sound stupid, or clingy, or desperate since, hello, I’m trying to find friends on a half-dating app?  It was almost enough for me to just shut the whole thing down, and not even start a conversation.  But, I thought again; what do I have to lose?

So, I messaged Stacy.

(This is the real message)

“So Hi!  This is my first bumble BFF connection… And it’s a little odd, right? Ha.  Maybe you have been involved longer and know how this works and what is BFF kosher?”

Send.

Crap.  Really?  KOSHER?!  Who says that?  Eyeroll at myself.

But…. Stacy replied.  Yass!  A friend. Hopefully.

We spent the last couple of weeks messaging a bit, getting to know what each other did for work, how we ended up on Bumble BFF looking for friends, and other get to know you types of questions.  We finally arranged our schedules to meet last night, for an after work snack.

I found myself getting ready this morning the same way I might for a date.  I mean, you want to look good for a new friend, right?  And anyway, girls dress for girls.  😉

Throughout the day I almost cancelled a couple of times.  What if she is crazy?  What if she doesn’t like me?  What if I don’t like her?  What if it’s awkward and we have nothing to talk about?

But, a little after 6, I closed my laptop and informed my co-workers where to look for me if I didn’t show up to work the next day.

Because while Stacy (if that IS in fact her real name…. I mean, if her real name is her… real…. Name….) seems nice and normal enough – stranger things have happened!  My mind began to rush. Do girls catfish each other?  What if I’m catfished by a girl that I’m just trying to be friends with?!  Does that happen?!

I half subway’d, half walked to our meeting point, anxious and panicky.  It looks like it might rain. Is it going to rain?  I don’t have an umbrella and I’m wearing white.  What if it rains and I’m catfished and have to walk home crying in the rain?

I meandered slowly to the spot, eyeing things from a distance at first.  I window shopped for a few minutes—and by window shopped I mean that I watched people walk behind me in the reflection to see if I could spot Stacy first. I finally stood near the entrance, on the sidewalk, waiting for Stacy to show up.  For what seemed like a hundred years, I watched people walk by.  At this point, I’m almost fully convinced that I’m being catfished, and that someone is going to show up, take my picture, laugh in my face, and run away.  Or, that I’ll get shoved into some sort of van.

**It should be noted that there’s no way that would really have happened.  It was 6pm in NYC on 57^th street.  Not exactly a place where anyone could be dragged into a van un-noticed. But…. It’s the mind tricks people!**

With every single guy that walked past me, I gripped the mini mace bottle (Thanks Nat!) on my keychain a little tighter.  Is it him? Is he the catfish who calls himself Stacy? I see you, “Stacy!”  I’m no fool!

But then…. I started thinking an even worse thought; what if Stacy is real, but sees me in person and decides I don’t look cool enough to hang out with?  The thought of being stood up by a girl was almost paralyzing. Every brunette who walked by I smiled awkwardly at, wondering…. Are you Stacy?  Please be Stacy so I can stop standing here alone…..
While in my head I had a nice half smile on, I’m sure that in reality I looked like a hunger crazed version of the Cheshire cat.  And the normal Cheshire cat already looks crazy, if that tells you anything.

**It should be noted again, that all of this happened in the span of 6-7 minutes…. And escalated quickly. It’s a quick downhill spiral my friends, when your dignity and BFF likability is on the line.**

But then, Stacy appeared.  She was not a man, and she did not ignore me. She was a normal woman, appropriately dressed, and did not try to kidnap me.  She even gave me a hug as a greeting and apologized for running a couple minutes late.

We had a perfectly pleasant hour together; laughing about the oddness of the situation, and comparing stories about our respective careers.  I asked her questions about the city, she gave me advice on where to eat and what to avoid.  Turns out, I was her first Bumble BFF date as well, and she was equally “nervous” about the situation. I left tonight with my normal half smile, a slightly embarrassing sense of accomplishment, and I think, a new friend.

Vulnerability is hard. Putting yourself out into an unknown and uncomfortable situation is hard. And it’s not something that I’m particularly good at.  But as cliché as it sounds, I just keep reminding myself that if you never try, you’ll never know.  I’ve stayed in my own comfort zone for much too long and little by little New York is changing me.  Not into a different person, but into a person who trusts more, struggles more, tries more, hopes more, and lives more.

I don’t know what will happen with Stacy.  But, I think we’ll at least go out again. 😉

XOXO