Bex in the City

Everyone has that one romantic line from a movie that just speaks to them:

“I think I’d miss you even if I’d never met you.”

“It wasn’t over then; it’s still not over.”

“You had me at hello.”

“As you wish…”

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” (I’m just saying.)

For me, it’s from one of my all-time favorite movies, Love & Basketball. If you haven’t seen it, you’re a crazy person, but just in case, I’ll give a quick recap.
I don’t pretend that it’s an Oscar winner or a classic to write a college essay on, but it’s just my jam. It is the story of two friends, Monica and Quincy, who have a connection from a young age, loving both each other and basketball (you probably saw that coming). And while their paths go separate ways multiple times, and they both make mistakes with each other, they always seem to find a way back to into each others lives. Towards the end of the movie, Monica has finally decided that she needs to ante up and actually make a move for Quincy, the man that she’s loved all these years, but maybe hasn’t prioritized as she should have.  In one of cinemas most cheesy moves ever, she challenges Quincy to a pick-up game of basketball, where she will play him for…. Wait for it….. his heart.  I know.  I rolled my eyes too…. But I don’t even care because #love.

So they play, and inevitably, Monica loses.  Devastated, (not only to have lost the game, but to have lost her man as well) Monica turns, and starts to walk away. Watching, Quincy realizes he has finally gotten from Monica what he always wanted; to have her be there for him, and to fight for him. She took the risk, and put it all on the line.  He stops her, calling out, “Hey.  Double or nothing?”

And that, my friends, is the most romantic line in all of romantic movies.

Not just because it gives us the happy ending.  Not just because it’s cheesy. And not just because the incredibly attractive Omar Epps says it….   But because it’s true.

How often does life go exactly the way we want it to? In my life?  Exactly ZERO times. In fact, I feel like my life is kind of like living in one of those McDonalds ball pits.  You’re super excited to jump in, and it’s all fun and games at first.  But the longer you are in, the more it ends up being a constant juggling and maneuvering situation while you move the balls around to stay afloat. And just when you start to steady yourself, someone else jumps in and you fall over and have to start all over again. (I could take this metaphor in so many more directions, but I’m just going to leave it here for now.)
Love is HARD. And it’s heartbreaking. While we all want it to be easy and the right person to just fall in to our laps and it works out magically with little to no effort, that’s not life.  Mistakes will be made.  Arguments will be had.  Feelings will be hurt. But, #doubleornothing.

You have to be willing to step up, and play the game.  No relationship is easy, and it will always come with the fear of being hurt, the hesitancy to trust, and the risk of losing in the end.  But doing all of those things, regardless of the outcome is what makes the love worth having.  The relationships that last, are the ones that crash, but pick themselves back up.  They are the fight that leads to a conversation of compromise and understanding.  The apology that leads to a second chance.

You have to risk.  You have to trust. You have to give. You will only get back what you are willing to put out yourself. I can’t count the number of times I have screamed in frustration, “That’s it! I’m done!  What’s the point? I’m tired of being hurt”… and so on. But how can I expect someone to be open, take risks, to trust, and to love…. If I’m not willing to do the same?  It’s a double edged sword, but without the hurt, we would not know the love.  If you shut down from making yourself vulnerable, you aren’t only turning off the possibility to be hurt; you’re also turning off the possibility to love, and to be loved (in return). Sorry, couldn’t help it. Moulin Rouge has a way of sneaking in everywhere.

And so.

Despite my head so often telling me to make like a vampire and turn off my humanity, I’ve found that when I am hurt, it’s best to take it as a lesson.  A reminder to never do to someone, what someone has done to me. A reminder to forgive, because I don’t always know the whole story. A reminder to always stay true to myself. A reminder that I deserve everything I’m looking for. And a reminder to take an attitude of grace, and not spite. But most importantly, a reminder to not give up.

I love, love. It’s the most incredible feeling, in all of its various levels and directions. As the late Elie Wiesel said, “The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.” I can’t imagine a more tragic existence, than to live, completely indifferent. To live without care, without hope, and without feeling.  So whether or not you have found your love, in whatever form you want it, don’t stop. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep risking.
Just keep loving.

And always, go #doubleornothing.