Bex in the City

At least 1,825 flights of stairs to my apartment, 12 unlimited subway passes, 10 new pairs of shoes, approximately 26 hours spent waiting in various lines for something trendy, and 1 new drivers license that remains unused. I made it?  Yes… it’s a question. Year one has not been easy. Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about what has changed, what hasn’t, what I wish I had done differently, and what I’ve done exactly right.

I consult my subway app less. People don’t give me dirty looks, I give them the dirty looks for not getting out of the way. I’m still always early. I avoid Times Square like the plague. Prince Street pizza really is that good. Brooklyn is FAR. There are donuts everywhere. My favorite Starbucks baristas name is Mark. Central Park is amazeballs in the spring. There is never nothing to do.

I’ve felt lonely, felt lost; felt left behind and I’ve felt loved. There’s been nights full of laughter and times when I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be exactly where I am. There have been days when I’ve questioned everything about my life and the decisions that I’ve made. There have been days when I haven’t gotten on a plane and left this city only because I wanted to prove I could make it.

All of these thoughts about life and challenges and doing new things would happen anywhere. And while New York does not have the monopoly on change and challenge, and is not the only place where you can get food late at night, for me, New York has been the place that has pushed me out of my comfort zone. It’s making me realize more about myself, who I am, and who I want to be.

I know I won’t always do the right thing. I’ll order too slowly, because I’m deciding what I want, not what is easiest. I’ll annoy my boss because I don’t do everything their way. I might push someone away because I’m someone that genuinely cares; maybe too much. But no matter what, I’ll do me; I’ll be me.

A couple months after I moved here, I met someone that commented that they wanted to know “what I was all about”.  I don’t think I used to know. But a life reset will force you into figuring those things out, even if deep down you already knew them. You don’t change… you learn, you grow.

So, what am I all about?

I’m about working hard. Not for just anything; and not just to make someone happy. To make myself happy. I need to feel purpose, and I need to relate to what I’m doing. Working hard also means working smart. What are your goals, and is what you’re doing helping to accomplish them? Life is too short to not do what you love, even if it’s not for the most money, the best title, or the biggest office.

I’m about learning new things. I haven’t always been, but in the last 6-7 years, every new thing I’ve tried has brought me the most amazing people and experiences that I wouldn’t trade for anything. My favorite workout, food, vacation spot, book, and song were all new at one point.  With nothing new, you truly miss out.

I’m about taking risks. Complacency is a fancy word for comfort, and you’ll never pass anyone on cruise control. Taking risks is terrifying, but some of the scariest things I’ve done have given the greatest reward. Picking up my life and moving across the country to a new city where I knew nothing and no one was probably the biggest risk I’ve taken in my life. Even if I had only lasted a month (it was touch and go at first), it’s the act of taking the risk that matters, not the outcome. I’ve proven to myself that I can do more than I’ve done, and be more than I’ve been.

I’m about gratitude. Never in my life have I been more thankful for the friends and family who love and support me no matter what. Whether it was obsessively over-analyzing a text message for hours (ahem, days), listening to my rant about the guy who almost spit on me walking down Amsterdam, or simply checking in and saying hello…. I’ve never felt alone.

I’m about karma. In a world with so much contention, hate, fear, envy, and general angst, I want to share as much good as I can. Whether it’s a generous tip, or getting to know more about your super than their working hours, I simply try to put into the world, the good that I want to have in my own life.

Everyone deserves a chance. Some even get two. Or three. Or four, if I’m feeling especially spiritually gangster that day.

I’m about love. Anyone that knows me, knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I used to think it was a curse, but I’ve since decided that sharing love can never be wrong. When was the last time it felt bad to be loved? I want only the best for those that I care about. Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. I can only hope that I continue to have the courage to give the kind of love, that gives others strength.

A year ago, I may have said that New York was changing me. But now I stand corrected. It deepened me. I created a mantra that I shared with a few of my friends. The details of how it came about don’t matter; we call it #bethetext.

So often I find myself trying to prove that I’m this or that, rather than just truly being that best version of myself. Starting over has pushed me to truly understand who I am, what I want in life, who I want in my life with me, and where I want go. I have become a person who wants to be the best version of herself, not for others, but truly for me. #bethetext. Whether that’s someone always follows through on promises, or commits to working out with a friend, or is simply trying to focus on investing in yourself, live it, embrace it, develop it, become it; be the things you say you are.  Don’t just type it.

Is my life perfect? No. Is it awful some days and fabulous on others? Yes. But it’s my life, and I’m loving living it in this amazing city, full of phenomenal people, and my new normal.

Every day I become more of who I already am, and work to make who I am even better.

In the immortal (and appropriate in this case) words of Christina Aguilera, it’s made me that much stronger, made me work a little bit harder, made me that much wiser…. so thanks, New York City, for making me a fighter.

Happy Anniversary – XOXO