Bex in the City

You know the moment. You are casually walking through the cemetery on vacation and you think to yourself, “all these people are dead, and I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life. Can I be dead?”  No?  Haven’t been there? If you say so.

Recently while on a Sunday afternoon walk, I ended up in a cemetery looking at gravestones, as one does.  There were babies that didn’t make it to even a day old, and someone’s grandparents who made it past 100. I looked at those tiny headstones of infants and toddlers who just didn’t get enough time.  How heartbreaking it must be for their families to have lost something they only just received. I also read a number of markers that listed long lives, and wondered what they did for 90+ years.  What was their life like, and what could it possibly feel like to be one hundred years old, having lived for so long?

To those babies; what do we owe?  Am I taking for granted the life they did not get? To the elders; am I making you proud, and living up to the life that you once lived? What if I died today? Tomorrow?  Would I be happy with the life I’ve led, and would I feel complete? Would I be able to look back with no regrets, even about mistakes that have been made? Have my experiences helped me to grow and have I found purpose within my own life?

There’s a pop culture saying that floats around these days; live your best life. #slay  Those few minutes I spent wandering through the cemetery were sobering; am I living my best life?  And what does that even mean? I’ve thought a lot about this, as lately life has not seemed to go in my favor.  The details do not matter, but to me it has felt like loss, after miss, after failure, after loss. A friend said it best: I needed a win.

I started looking around me, waiting for something to happen.  Waiting for the sign that I was on the right track and making the right decisions. Waiting for that win. But there is no way of knowing what’s to come and whether you are making the right decisions. Are there “right” decisions, or just, decisions?

We make choices every day, and every day those choices are followed with consequences, both good and bad.  If I sleep an extra 10 minutes, I might follow the dog walker down the sidewalk and trip on the leashes when he stops suddenly.  If I stay in my current job I might get promoted, or I might get deeper into a career I’m not sure I want.  If I buy a plane ticket to Paris I’ll have less money, but might get bumped to first class and end up sitting next to Kate Middleton’s new assistant.
For as long as I can remember I’ve always been the kind of person that wanted to believe that everything happens with a purpose; it’s part of some grand plan.  But my past has been filled with experiences that can’t possibly have a reason for happening, other than that they are just a part of life.

Too often I have found myself saying “this is not the way my life was supposed to be”!  But why do I say that?  Who is to say what my life was/is supposed to be like, other than me?  Who do I feel I owe anything to, other than myself?  I think about those babies who died so young, or my grandfather who passed away some years ago. I wonder, are they in heaven looking down and pointing out all the mistakes I’m making?  Or, are they just watching, enjoying my happiness, rejoicing in my triumphs, sympathizing in my sadness, and hoping I just live?

I recently had someone say how much they enjoy the uncertainty of life, which in the moment, was the last thing I wanted to hear, and not something I relate to normally. I like a plan. I want to know what’s coming and how to best prepare for it. I crave the who, what, when, where, and why of life, and never want to be caught in a surprise situation. But as I started to think about it more, life IS uncertainty.  No one knows what will happen tomorrow, next week, next year.    I’m as guilty as anyone of always wanting a plan, and needing to feel secure.  But no matter how much you plan for life, new choices and decisions will happen every day that will affect how and where you end up.
My most rewarding feelings of growth and happiness have always come after the greatest of instability. So why am I putting so much pressure on myself to have it all figured out? We shouldn’t have to know exactly what we want to be when we grow up.  We shouldn’t have to accomplish things on a five year plan, and feel defeated when that plan is not met. Rather a resent the life of instant gratification, why not embrace spontaneity and a lack of schedule?  While the unknown is unnerving, maybe that’s also what makes life exciting; and what life is meant to be.

Rather than plan to live, why not just live?  Take the trip.  Eat the bad carbs. Kiss the handsome man.  Leave the toxic partner. Find the new job. Wait for the next train. Give up a bad habit.
Do this, and you might end up turning a vacation spot into a home. Starting a new skill of baking. Developing a new and loving relationship. A feeling of freedom. A newfound passion. A less crowded commute. Time for a new hobby.
Finding purpose and living your best life should not be about accomplishments, medals, awards, titles and winning. It is not about perfection and living up to the expectations of the world.  It should be about the experience. The actual life. The failures that help you take the next step. The risk that gets rewarded. The disappointment that helps you realize what you don’t want. The extra hour of sleep. The question that never gets answered but takes you places while you look for it. Being late. The unplanned conversation. The like that turns to love. The end that means a beginning.

Living your best life should be just that: Living.

To those I love that have gone before me, to those that are here living with me, and to those that are yet to come; I am here to live. To follow my intuition. To go against the good advice. To embrace uncertainty. To live life a little more unplanned. I hope I make mistakes, take wrong turns, and to have to walk uphill both ways. Because I will take every one of those moments, minutes, and days, one at a time, and end up on the other side with a life that was truly mine.

“And, while Cinderella and her prince did live happily ever after, the point, gentlemen, is that they lived.” – Ever After

XOXO