Bex in the City

We’ve come to live in a world where people (myself included) typically write/post/tweet about the good moments. The pictures in exotic places; the outfit that makes us look phenomenal; the story of our brush with stardom or notoriety.

But that has not been my life as of late.  And one of the things I’ve always prided myself on, is being candid and honest, in a thoughtful way. And so with that, some questions:

Have you ever been in a situation in which you felt you had no control despite every effort to do so?
Been taken advantage of?
Been disregarded and ignored?
Have you been openly criticized in public and demeaned in front of peers?
Have you sat in a toilet stall, with tears silently streaming down your face, wondering how you were going to make it another day?
Have you woken up in the morning, a little disappointed that you didn’t die during the night?
Have you ached for loved ones that were too far away, and stared at a phone that didn’t light up with a text or a phone call you were hoping for?
Have you gone on the world’s most perfect date, only to have the other person ghost you days later, with no explanation?
Have you lost a loved one, who was taken from this world too soon?
Have you tried to decide what to do with your life, only to realize you don’t know the answer?
Have you watched friends succeed and their dreams come true while you felt your soul crushing with disappointment?
Have you been let go from a job unfairly?
Has everything about your skills, performance and career been questioned to the point that you no longer have confidence in yourself?
Have you looked in the mirror and hated what you saw?  Or not recognized the face looking back?
Have you questioned decisions and have regrets?
Have you been jealous of someone else successes?
Have you wished someone dead?
Have you watched so many Criminal Minds episodes that you’ve convinced yourself you could actually arrange said murder and get away with it? (Oh, just me? Ok.)
Have you had to ask for help in ways you never thought you would?
Have you felt like you are disappointing your friends and family?
Have you shut people out because you didn’t want to be a burden?
Have you worried what other people would think of your actions?
Have done things for the “post” and not just for enjoyment?
Have you lost faith in a higher power, and that life will end up ok?
Have you felt sorry for yourself, and like no one else could possibly relate to what you are going through?
Have you pretended everything was fine, when it was not?
and….
Have you failed?

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, then you can relate to my life over the past few months. I have experienced Every. Single. One. of those situations. My life was not without good moments as well, but it’s been a phase where I just could not catch a break.  I felt lost, numb and devastated all at once, drowning in uncertainty and instability. And when the last shoe dropped, there was not a single part of me that was not hurt, bruised and broken. It just SUCKED, plain and simple.

BUT.

Hitting that low point, falling that far, ended with an almost painful sigh of relief.  Like when a fever breaks, and you still feel terrible, but the hope of feeling better is there. Like when you’ve been caught in a torrential downpour and are soaked to the bone, but you know eventually the rain will stop, and you will dry out. While every piece of me shattered into pieces, they broke in a way that felt purposeful; I knew the pieces hadn’t fit quite right, and needed to be put back together differently. Piece by piece, and in a different way, and maybe a better way.

I can’t say that “all things happen for a reason”, because I don’t believe that.  I think sometimes things just happen, for no reason at all, and so you accept it, and you adjust. Whether you miss the winning shot, lose a loved one, step on a nail in bare feet or have a deer jump in front of your car at night, you adjust. You make decisions and carry on based on what life is, and what you want it to be.

I’ve written previously about vulnerability, and how moving to a new city and starting a new life exposed that. Hindsight is 20/20, but in retrospect, I don’t know that it was specifically New York.  It was me, opening up to change. Taking risks. Going into the unknown; scared, nervous and apprehensive. Completely changing my life for two years did that.  It changed me, and for the better.

As I started to get comfortable, life happened. The whistle blew.  The window cracked. The glass fell. This period of my life, where it has felt that nothing has gone right, things have been taken away, and losses have been numerous, has pushed me further than I thought possible. I’ve been challenged, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I debated writing this post for almost a month.  I was so concerned with what people would think, rather than the therapeutic act of writing, and the release it would be for me.

I was worried that I would look like a failure, a loser, pathetic. Someone who had given up, someone who couldn’t take the heat, or someone who was running away.

But as cliche as it sounds, there at the bottom? I found myself, and I found strength, although not in the way you might think, or in the way I was hoping for.
But I found it.
Strength to admit defeat.  Strength to walk away. Strength to ask for help. Strength to accept when nothing goes right.  Strength to let people see my imperfections and watch me make mistakes. Strength to turn the other cheek. Strength to live in the unknown. Strength to be sad, mad, and angry, and to let myself.

And to finally recognize again, the strength of who I am, and who I want to be ….even if I’m not there yet.

Right now my life is far from perfect, and I have a lot of “To Be Determineds”. I haven’t answered all my questions and my problems have not been solved. I get breakouts from stress. I binge on candy and soda and coffee. I get ghosted by boys (not men, because a man doesn’t do that, ahem). I stay up too late watching Netflix because I can’t sleep.  I skip workouts because I’m just not motivated. I don’t always take my vitamins.  I don’t drink enough water. I forget my umbrella. There’s so much I want and need to do, and I have no idea how or when I will.

So… once again, I’m uprooting and leaving for the unknown. I’m leaving New York City.  It’s terrifying and exciting and basically all the emotions that exist. I don’t know what is coming in the future. But I also know that life will go on. One day at a time, and on some days, even one shower at a time because thats just all you have the energy for.
Living in New York has been one of the most amazing, harrowing, crazy, frustrating, exhilarating, and unbelievable experiences of my life. I have been changed for the better from the things that I’ve done and the people I have met. And I know that whats to come will only continue to do so. But life happened and the winds have changed, making my time in this fantastic city come to an end. Perhaps unexpectedly…..but I will be leaving NYC with no regrets; only experience, knowledge, hope and love.

And so what?

I share this because often, life doesn’t go the way we plan.  It has twists and turns that were definitely not on the map I was given.
I share this because despite outward appearances, things are not always as fabulous as they may seem.
I share all of this, because I hope that everyone reading it recognizes a piece of themselves.
I share this because we all struggle, cry, have heartbreak, deal with insecurities, anguish over regret, and simply have bad days. That we don’t have to perfect, and that life is about change, challenge and growth.
I share this to encourage real connections, discussions of both happiness and sorrow between friends.
I share this because it’s ok to have no idea what you want.  It’s ok to not know what will happen next.
I share this so no one will feel that they are the only one who experiences hardships and disappointment.
I share this as an invitation to confide in a family member or loved one about something you may need help with.
I share this to be open, honest, and transparent about how life is not always how it is portrayed in the online world.
I share this as an acknowledgement that sometimes allowing yourself to feel the negative feelings is just as important as seeking the positive ones.
I share this, to show that vulnerability, in all its forms, is a blessing. Sometimes in disguise…. but still a blessing.

I share this because if you are anything like me, you don’t have life figured out.  And thats ok.

Here’s to moving on and moving forward, where things will never be the same. I’ll just be here, with my flag of uncertainty and infinite possibilities waving high. Feel free to wave yours back.

XOXO